top of page

Swine Flu Strikes Detroit

AP Detroit, Tuesday, April 28, 2009

In a mysterious way that not even Monica Conyer's can comprehend, the same Swine Flu that has stricken 149 in Mexico has struck Detroit.

Conyer's, President of the City Council was first to wear a 3M face mask and buy a bottle of Pinnacle Foaming Hand Sanitizer. "I can't take the risk of getting the flu," stated Conyer's.

3M is working overtime to make more masks. Clorox can't keep its signature bleach in stock and has doubled production. In the meantime, Daimler has announced that it is giving up its $1.5 BILLION dollar stake in Chrysler for "good will" reasons and so it doesn't have to deal with the Swine Flu either.

"We are in no condition to travel to Detroit at this time to try to get our $1.5 BILLION back," stated the CEO of Daimler, "At this point, we will just write it off and at least we don't have to worry about getting sick or even dying from this mess."

Certainly the Swine Flu has hit the Ren Cen. People are evacuating as fast as they can and they would be quicker if they could only find their way out. GM has announced it's boldest plan to date: Idle 21,000 more factory jobs, close more plants and let the government own most of the company. Declares the new CEO who has yet to even have a single slice of Supino's pizza since he has been so busy, "I wish this flu thing would create demand for our products like 3M and Clorox, but we are trying to come up with a strategic plan that might do just that."

Fiat under no obligation to give a single nickel to Chrysler for its 20% stake has until Thursday to make a decision. Says the CEO of Fiat, "Truthfully we have the best pizza in Italy right now and with the Swine Flu thing hitting Detroit, I don't even think offering us Slow's ribs will make a difference. We are weighing the possibilities heavily."

Alas, Detroit is out of face masks and hand sanitizer as its deficit cut out non-essential items.

Wait, this just in. BREAKING NEWS! Swine Flu hits Cobo Center. Cobo is being evacuated (four security guards) as there is the potential that Cobo will now need to be burned down to prevent the spread of Swine Flu. This could be Conyer's break she has been looking for. Now Detroit will really need to rebuild Cobo into a world-class facility. But wait!

More BREAKING NEWS! With GM and Chrysler's ordeal, BMW, Nissan and Rolls-Royce already backing out of the Detroit Auto Show, the Detroit auto show is moving to...The Palace of Auburn Hills. Conyer's is quoted at being livid. "Swine Flu or not, the Detroit Auto Show must stay in Detroit. Who do they think they are to make this change, Jay Leno?"

Fritz wondering what to do next is thinking about the saga of the Swine Flu. "Heck, if no one wants to buy our cars, maybe we can convert our factories into something that people want to buy like guns and ammo." The National Rifle Association, one of the strongest associations in the U.S. has endorsed such a move. However, the FBI is against it because with guns and ammo being made in Michigan, gun offenses might be a state issue instead of a federal issue. But more news on this topic is coming up later.

Happy Tuesday!


bottom of page